Slovakia Heart of Europe

With less than four weeks to go until Christmas, my wife and I have managed a first, not only have we sent all the Christmas cards to both sets of relations and friends, we have also finished all of our Christmas shopping. No last minute panicking as to what to buy Uncle Jan this year, or whether cousin Katka needs a new scarf and glove set. No, the presents have been bought and wrapped, and we can now sit back and relax, and enjoy the run up to Christmas. And so what is the reason for this amazing efficiency? What have we done differently this year, than any other year? What is the secret to our success? Well, simply put, last week we went to Tescos!

Now, let me tell you that the Tescos in Slovakia are a little different than those back home. These aren't big Supermarkets that sell groceries, a few lines of clothes, some CDs, books and magazines, etc. No, the Slovak Tescos are simply gigantic, and they sell EVERYTHING! It is not unheard of for my wife to spend a whole weekend wandering up and down the myriad of aisles in a Slovak Tescos. And last Thursday I actually joined her for almost a whole afternoon, on the proviso that we bought everybody's Christmas present in one fell swoop.

Now, as it turned out we weren't only shopping for Christmas presents. Ria's family is so big that we were also shopping for about three people's birthdays and five different names days, which happened to fall in and around the Christmas period. Added to that, we also had to buy a selection of goodies for each of our many nephews, nieces and godchildren, to fill their boots on St. Nicholas Day, the 6th December. St. Nicholas Day is celebrated throughout Slovakia, where kids up and down the country take one of their boots and clean it on the evening of the 5th, and then leave it out overnight for St. Nicholas to fill with small toys, chocolates and sweets. It's a lovely tradition, but I can't help remembering that two of my little nieces have recently been bought knee length, red boots, that will no doubt hold more chocolate and sweets than you could reasonably eat from now until Christmas. I am sure this is just a coincidence, but you can bet your bottom dollar which boots they'll be cleaning on the 5th.

After a couple of hours or so, with most of the big presents having been chosen, I decided that I had had enough of advising my wife on whether the snowman serviettes would be more suitable than the Rudolph ones, and went off for a little wander. In actual fact, I went Brand Spotting. From a young age, whenever I was on holiday in Europe, I always enjoyed walking around supermarkets, trying to find those foreign brand names that just wouldn't sell back home. Every English schoolboy, on a day trip to France, is sure to purchase a bottle of Sic at some point, which is in fact a fizzy orange drink that sometimes lives up to its name on the ferry back home to Dover.

So far, Slovakia has given us Hell beer (which is actually exported to the UK), Fanny toilet paper, and the delightful Snoty sugar. However, I was determined to find more and funnier brand names, and so while my wife was working out how many of the different types of wrapping paper we would need, I began my quest. Half an hour later and I was beginning to get bored. I had already exhausted frozen foods, canned goods, toiletries, and even the pet food section, and had found nothing really worth a mention. I decided that I would just give the drink aisle a quick try, and then go off in search of my wife.

Then suddenly I saw it. The ultimate funny brand name. There it was in a choice of apple and blackberry flavor, or fruits of the forest. I looked at it again. Surely in my eagerness to find a funny brand name I had misread the label. But no, I had not misread the label at all. I had in fact discovered Fart.

Such was the design of the label, the word Fart had actually been written many times on the bottle, in different fonts and colors. They have even registered it! Yes, its true, Fart is a registered brand name in Slovakia. A thought suddenly crossed my mind. What if this was exported back home, think of the money to be made. It would be every schoolboy's dream, to take out a bottle of Fart from his lunch box, and show it to his friends. Fart would no doubt soon outsell Pepsi Cola and Coca-Cola and become the number one soft drink. With these entrepreneurial thoughts spinning around my head, I picked up a crate of Fart and went off to find my wife.

I found Ria at the nut counter, weighing a large bag of cashew nuts. I eagerly began to present to her my recent discovery, when the shop's speaker system began relaying an announcement, and I was unceremoniously told to shush!

"What was that about?" I asked, wondering what on earth could be more important than Fart.

"I couldn't hear it properly, because of your messing about!" replied my wife, "But I think she said that if you spend more than 600Sk today you get a free chicken and a kilogram of rice."

"Excellent!" I said, always happy to get a freebie. "If we have got everything, let's go and pay for it all now, in case they run out of chickens."

By the time we got to the checkout, I had worked out that 600Sk was only about US $15, and I had come up with an ingenious plan.

"Okay, you take a few things and pay for them in cash, and then I'll follow behind and pay for the rest on my credit card" I reasoned to my wife. "That way we'll get two chickens."

Reluctantly, she agreed, and went ahead of me and paid for about 2000Sk worth of stuff. I then followed, with the rest of our shopping, which by now was almost spilling from the trolley, and settled the bill with my credit card.

"We have to take our receipts over there!" said Ria, pointing to a counter on the far side of the store, by the exit. "And they'll give us the chicken and the rice."

"Okay, you go first!" I said, "And make it look like we're not together, in case they have some rule about only one chicken per household."

So Ria went off in front, and I followed at a short distance, determined to get two free chickens, my Scottish half coming to the fore. How my wee mammy would be proud of me, I thought to myself. My wife handed over her receipt, and to our surprise, she was given three chickens and 3Kg of rice. It wasn't until I too had handed over my receipt that it suddenly dawned on me that 2000Sk was roughly three times 600Sk, hence the three chickens and the 3Kg of rice. Obviously Ria had also just done the math, as she looked at me alarmingly and slowly her face began to have a little pink glow.

Sure enough, the man behind the counter, having checked the receipt a number of times, proceeded to call out to his assistant "23" in a rather loud voice. "23?" came the astonished assistants reply, also rather too loud for my liking, and once he was satisfied that his colleague wasn't joking, he proceeded to load 23 chickens and 23Kg of rice on to a nearby trolley. I was suddenly aware that there was now a crowd of people queuing up for their chicken and that all eyes were on us. Ria, who was now almost a burgundy color, put her three chickens and rice in my trolley, as well as another couple of bags of shopping, while at the same time giving me one of those looks that says "this is all your fault".

Then, without saying a word and with all the composure in the world, she skillfully maneuvered her trolley-full of Christmas shopping through the crowd and led the way to our car. I followed, my head held high, pushing the other trolley, which now carried our 26 chickens, 26Kg of rice, and ten bottles of Fart.